I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
