There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
two words: eviction party
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
