I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
