jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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