I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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