I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
