apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
