Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
she was so not down for the gang bang
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
