i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
