My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
