Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
