Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
