If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
