I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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