we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
