im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
