His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
bring money and cleavage
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
