I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
