i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
