I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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