I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize