I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
