he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
