Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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