I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm just crazy horny about you
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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