oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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