I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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