I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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