Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
