My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
