Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
