Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
