i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
