i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
