i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
