I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
this boner is exhausting
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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