he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
