I need help removing her.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
