Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize