she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
