There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
