I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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