Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
