When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
