I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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