I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
