His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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