Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We had to coat check the pizza.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize