No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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