i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
