her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Girls should come with a carfax report
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Randomize
