Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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