how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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