i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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