Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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