I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
someone threw a dead crab at me
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
