Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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