Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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