It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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